Asking for mercy.

It has been a month today since I found out about Viktor's status, Lord. If I had only filed that paper four months ago, we could be adopting him now. I am still haunted by this, dear God. I have prayed to you so many times to take this away, but still I grieve. I feel so guilty Lord. You've said so many times that you forgive us, and that we should not dwell on the past. But I do, I am so sorry. I have asked your forgiveness and I know you have granted it. But I cannot stop looking back. I wonder if I did not listen to your calls. Sometimes while I am asleep I think back to the time that Viktor came to the internat and he was so small and scruffy and scared. I remember going into that little bathroom when he left and crying, and calling out to you. I felt you moving within me, bonding me to this boy. Knitting me to him. But I did not hear the rest. I did not hear that I should confirm any of his status. I assumed. I thought I knew. Or maybe I just wanted to think it wasn't possible. Maybe I wanted to look the other way to some degree Lord. What would Steve say? How would it affect Vladik's chance to come home? Maybe I was just scared.

Lord, please help me purge this guilt. Please send your holy spirit to me, to give me peace. If I ignored your direction, if I though my own selfishness or pride or weakness did not take the road you wanted me to take, please forgive me. Please help me to forgive myself. Please help me to see the future as something full of possibilities. Please, oh please, most importantly, please do not punish Viktor because of my own shortcomings. Please take mercy on this boy, Lord. Please free him from his captivity of loneliness and fear. He longs for me, Lord. He longs for a mother. He longs for a family. Please Lord, please allow us to be the family who teaches him about Your love. Please allow us to be the family you use to fulfill your promise to put the lonely in families.

I know you do not make idle promises. I know that you finish what you started. I know that you are God, you are the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Therefore you are the same God who parted the Red sea to lead your people from bondage. You are the same God who brought Viktor into my life and heart. You are the same God that gave me the miraculous ability to speak to him in Russian. You are the same God who opened up that closed, scared boy like a flower in the sun. You are the same God who blessed me and honored me, to use me as a way to open him up to Your love. I have to trust that you will be the same God tomorrow, and after tomorrow, and when he has that interview. I have to trust that you are the same loving God. I have to believe. But it is hard sometimes. This is partly my own fear and humanity, and partly I believe this is the enemy who wants to destroy my peace of mind. He wants to stop this from happening because it is so very important. Viktor is your child, I see Your light in his eyes. I see how open his little heart is to you, Lord. I see how much he longs for love and is open to living his life in a different and better way. And the enemy does not want this. Lord, use me. Use us. Use us to show the enemy your strength once again. To show the enemy that you are indeed master of the universe and will allow not one hair on the head of your child Viktor to be harmed. That your lovingkindness and tenderness and mercy are all-powerful and will bring Viktor home.

Dear God.

You gave me this gift, to write. And you know that it gives me peace to write, and that this is a way I can really express my emotions. You also ask us to come to you when we need to talk. So here I am, Lord.